The email

things r just taking their toll i guess....each day gets difficult, each test is harder, but the harder test i pass, the harder the next stage gets....so its like me fighting the world and myself to bring about the change i want......
it drives me nuts.......takes away my sanity........how many times can i repeat? The only thing that keeps me going is what mummy told me to do- to lead by example...
and leading by example means nothing about having an ocean of patience...i'm working on that...... patience means.........that once you lose it, even for an instant....it destroys everything... i dont know if you understand what i mean, but its like, all the good work you did wipes away by one angry remark or comment......... and everything is an issue...

everything else just makes me too tired to even think about it... of course, it's all in Allah's hands too, and I know I'm very good @ accepting reality, lekin its more about the confidence than anything else..
however, I still feel quite in control of things...its awfully tough, but not out of control...most of my energy is derived from people around me...
there's so much more I can write- I just feel I've kinda warped into some other dimension...where, just like how someone concluded from my poetry, my life is full of crisis, he probably uses a wrong word, but yea, its a dimension where I just interact with very few people now...so in my dimension its all about self-development, working for the things i care about, just being in a different world....i dont know- there r many things that I've distanced myself on purpose, abstract things, such as some traits in people, which is why, so many people in my life are transparent...like i see through them...as if they dont exist, i guess i've always had this issue...

i guess its because i hold so much in me, emotions, work, pressure, work, emotions, and so on, and hence even smiling or talking seems to take soo much effort- sounds ridiculous, but its true...